don't bother putting that happy mask on 'cause your true face still shows

Untitled from Sarah Meier Albano on Vimeo.

I was so inspired while watching this video. Aside that it features my favorite blogger, Danielle Gonzalez (the one at the right), I can very much relate with what they're trying to say and point out . And I think most of us, especially young girls, do.

All along I've been trying to brand myself to be this happy and bubbly gal hence my blog URL. I love being happy and carefree and blissful. Well who doesn't anyway? It's just lately I can't seem to understand myself. I'm exuberant in the moment and sentimental the next. I can’t say I am being moody, I am actually mood less, if there is such a thing. Melancholy and loneliness hits me out from nowhere and on sporadic moments and that's when I start feeling numb to the world. I've been trying to do things  for me to be distracted  or make it stop rule over my disposition. But the relief it gives is only temporary. I totally hate it because it intertwine things. I've been feeling this for a long time. I know some of you might wonder why I still fill my blog posts and tweets with happy things and smiley faces if all along I've been feeling despondent.

I won't call it hypocrisy. More often than not, people turn to the comforts of the internet for amusement and entertainment and personally, I dislike reading sad posts about other people's drama let alone write about my own. I was trying to focus on the good and happy things. I was playing optimistic. Also, I was being cautious with the things I put in my blogs because I don't want to put too much personal (especially emotional) information about myself. I love sharing my life even if I don't have a bunch of followers and readers but I'd still like to keep some things about myself private. There were few attempts alright but obviously it never got the chance to be published. Yet after watching the video above on Dane's blog, I reckon that there is actually nothing wrong letting your heart out.

I am sad. There.

Isn’t that quite liberating? To tell the whole wide world what you’re truly feeling?

Contemplating, ruminating and discerning about my life and myself, I've come to think of  reasons why I've been feeling this way. College adjustments, social issues, academic meltdown, financial turmoils, and well, lack of "affairs of the heart" among the others.

There's quite a lot of issues isn't it? But I think for today I'll center on my "lack of affairs of the heart." I've been meaning to write a post about these heart matters of mine but  I'm not very much comfortable talking about it because it touches a vulnerable spot of my ego, which is BIG by the way. And my "love department" is pretty much non-existent to start with.

Well, I never had a boyfriend since birth. Not in a relationship and never been in one. 

My single-hood since birth is something I am not proud of but it's also not something I am ashamed of. I won't go out there and say "I'm good, I'm fine, I don't need a guy in my life". But on the other hand, I wouldn't also take desperate measures just for me to have someone I can call "my guy".

Earlier in my high school years I wasn't much bothered with this because I focused my attention on my studies and extra-curricular activities. But my friends were starting to have guys pursue after  them and the next thing I knew, I was the odd one out. When I would hang out with my two best friends and their guys, I am always the fifth wheel but we all took this lightly. Honestly, I never felt jealous maybe because my best friends were considerate enough and their guys and I get along pretty well. Maybe this sounds a little pretentious, but really, all I felt was that, I am happy for my best friends. Maybe, I felt that way because at that time (and even up to now) I wasn't intently liking anyone or seriously crushing on someone that I want him to be my boyfriend.

In my entire existence, I only had one serious crush and it was less of a love, more of an infatuation. And this was way back when I was still in grade school. For sometime, my single-hood fact back fired on my self-esteem. I was beginning to doubt myself and banged myself with questions like: "Don't I look good enough?", "Do I have to be like this or like that?", "Is there something strangely wrong with my attitude?"

To be honest, these questions are still unanswered up to now. Of course, I want to believe in my own beauty.  Consider me conceited, but when people find out that I've never been in a relationship, more often than not, they seemed surprised, and I take that as a good thing. But I still want to discover my weaknesses, embrace my flaws and accept the truth. This way, it would be way easier to believe this conviction.

This may seem too personal (and cheesy), but since I already took the plunge in sharing my intimate thoughts, I'll take it deeper and share to you that at the moment, I don't have this someone that I  look forward to see each day or even someone to think at night before I sleep. I find it weird, really. When we would play Truth or Dare, and I'd choose Truth, my friends couldn't squeeze anything from me especially about romance or anything because there really is nothing. Minor fondness and these cute-guy crushes are there alright, but this someone who makes this tiny heart of mine tumble and stumble? There's no one yet. But when he comes, he better come in a great package! (Laughs) But seriously, I'll wait. Patiently wait and when he finally comes, I know I'd say to myself  "He's worth the wait."

Woah, that love rant was mouthful! I'd still like to pour out on some things but this post is way long enough! Maybe I'll do a part two because doing this actually relieves me. I know the video above didn't focus on love or anything. It actually focused more on one's self, happiness and all. But I guess they are connected. Maybe for some the video above is just showing three beautiful ladies ranting about topics that seem unfathomable or a little ambiguous. But it really inspired me. True enough:  "If you ever felt any self doubt, feel lost or chronically unhappy, this video is for you. :)" -Dane Gonzalez on her blog

To wrap this all up, I'd like to say to whoever is feeling down and sad right now may it be because of love, failed dreams, frustrations, turmoils or anything, you're not alone. Others may seem happy and okay, but truth is every one is contending their own battles. I'm not pressuring you to become these overly happy individuals and pretend nothing's wrong. Sulking and feeling sad is very much valid to feel, after all we are all vulnerable souls. But we always have to know our way back. As what Dane said in the video, no one will drag you out of your bed to  fix things up except yourself. And that's exactly what I'm trying to do now with myself. What counts more is when we fight with grace and composure and more importantly, with hope that one day, things will be fine. In His perfect time. :)

I love girl talks like this. Casual yet deep.